One year now - in loving memory

Today, one year ago something unbelievable and absolutely unexpected happend - something that's still bothering me - something very sad. Today, one year ago Miguel took his life. I'm still not sure what made him do this - the only obvious is that it was something nagging on his soul. I am certain you've found peace up there. I and many people more will not forget you....

Goodby my friend....

"Merry" Christmas

It's so sad, but my biggest christmas wish can not be fullfilled. I so much wish Miguel would still be alive  ...  missing him. Merry christmas to all of you and may your wishes be fullfilled....

I heard your voice in the wind todayand I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died...but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...
the wind blows...
the rain falls...
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.
                                Judy Burnette

In Memoriam

With you a part of me hath passed away;
For in the peopled forest of my mind
A tree made leafless by this wintry wind
Shall never don again its green array.


Chapel and fireside,country road and bay,
Have something of their friendliness resigned;
Another, if I would, I could not find,
And I am grown much older in a day.


But yet I treasure in my memory
Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease,
And the dear honour of your amity;
For these once mine, my life is rich with these.


And I scarce know which part may greater be,--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me.


                                                  George Santayana

Remembrance

Remembrance is a golden chain
Death tries to break, but all in vain.

To have, to love, and then to part
Is the greatest sorrow of one's heart.

The years may wipe out many things
But some they wipe out never.

Like memories of those happy times
When we were all together.

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart.

                                                              Unknown author

Light a Candle

Today is All-Saints-Day, a day which is especially dedicated to our beloved deceased. It is an old custom of the catholic religion here to light a candle on their graves. so when the night comes the cemeteries are all surrounded by light in memory of our loved ones.

I'd like to put a candle on Miguels grave but unfortunately I don't know where he is burried. So I will light a candle for him here. And this candle will burn forever like the memory and love for him will remain in my heart and soul. Missing you Miguel...

Born to live

I’ve started the Biography of Miguel. It’s not much I could figure out so far but I will continue until I can draw a most complete picture of Miguel and his life. And I can be very persistent.

I also changed the background music from “Ave Maria” to “Geboren um zu leben” (Born to live) from the german group “Unheilig”. It is known that band leader “Der Graf” wrote this song after losing a good friend. This song was played during the funeral of Robert Enke, a german goalkeeper who committed suicide. Enke suffered of depression. The song was also played in memory of the victims of the panic during the last Loveparade in Duisburg.

If you can understand the german lyrics of this song, you will agree that it is most fitting for this memorial page.

Missing you Miguel …

When tomorrow starts without me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise
and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked
through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.

When God looked down
and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

                                               Unknown author

Another VIP passed away ...

I hope Evan would pardon me for using his memorial page to write another obituary:

Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

I am sad to announce that another important person for me passed away this year. Yesterday Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs died at the age of 56. Mr. Jobs was suffering of cancer which forced him to resign from his position as CEO of Apple a few weeks ago.

Steve Jobs was a big pioneer in the computer business who brought us these nice products like MacBook, IPhone, IPad etc. Under CEO Jobs Apple had grown to the most valuable company worldwide.

His passing is a tragedy and big loss for the computer world. May he rest in peace!

I don’t get it! Why do the good and important people have to go at young age while there are so many assholes on the planet?

Snip:

I had a promising contact to someone you maybe could provide some information and pictures of Evan. I am still planning to post a small biography here. Also I would like to post some new pictures of Evan, not the usual ones you can find on the internet.

Unfortunately I haven’t heard anything from this contact yet. I hope he will get back to me soon!!

God who?

Todays headline of a popular german newspaper was: “Is there a God?”. The headline was due to an upcoming visit of pope Benedikt to Germany.

Because of the recent events, Evans death and several other terrible happenings, I don’t believe that there is a supernatural power that cares and protects us. If there is a God, how can he let such things happen? How can he let people like Evan get to a point of total surrender to problems and taking there live? Such a God does either not exist or is a total sadist. And I am so tired of these explanations of church that we just don’t understand Gods actions and that we will never be able to. What a lame excuse!

You may wonder why I don’t believe in God but post all these religious pictures here. Well for me all these signs are ornaments for grief and sympathy which should express my feelings about Evans death. Still missing him so much ….

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land:
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
                               Christina Rossetti

Never forget ...

It’s been three weeks now and nearly 5.000 people visited this memorial page. Some of them left some nice lines in the book of condolences or wrote an email. Thanks to you.

I am sad I had to build this memorial page - not because I am feeling somehow obligated to do this as a gift for Evan to keep him remembered, but sad that this tragedy happened in the first place. What would I give to build a fan page of Evan rather than building this memorial page! I’m still thinking of what problems he was suffering to finally decide to end his life. I am missing him, it hurts but I don’t want to stop missing him.

I found a nice poem. I hope there’s some truth in it:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a 1,000 winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled light
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die.

                           Unknow author

Thanks to you all

I am really impressed how much sympathy Evan receives.
I am sure when Evan sees all this sympathy from heaven he will really appreciate it. So sad he did not know how many people will miss him before he took his life.

I will continue to keep this memorial page and the memory of Evan alive so I can still use all your help by telling everyone about this memorial page, link to here or sending me informations and pictures of Evan I can post here.

28th April 2011

a date I will always remember, unfortunately in a very bad way. Today it is exactly 4 months ago when Evan made his final decision. Where were his friends and family this day? Why was nobody able to prevent this tragedy? Who were these demons he gave up on fighting anymore? It is a relief to believe he is in peace now although I naturally wish he would still be among us. Evan, I miss you so much!

I hope he had at least a decent funeral - I think he’d really deserved one.

I have added a small photo gallery of Evan. There are not many pictures in there but maybe I find some new soon or get some sent.

And it still hurts...

It's been a few days now since I had to read the horrible news and it still hurts. It's not the kind of pain you feel when you become injured. It's a nagging pain that something precious was ripped away from your life and you couldn't do anything about it. A feeling with an absolute finality. I am still struggling with these questions: Why did he have to suffer from this terrible problems that made him see no other solution than giving up his life? Where were the people around him that could have supported him and couldn't they have foreseen this? Did nobody care?

He might have not followed such a way of live like we do. But that's absolutely not important here! He took his own life and that's a terrible, terrible thing. But he did this because he'd seen no other way and that's even more terrible. And now that he has gone his final way I don't want him to end as a two sentence footnote on some pages.

I believe when you die you live on in the memories of the people who knew you. When they forget, you really die. I don't want this to happen, that's why I am doing this blog. Please help me to reach this goal.
Visitors who have there loudspeakers on might hear the underlying music. I think if found the perfect title, it's "Ave Maria" from Franz Schubert. A song perfectly matching the current mood.

To all of Evans family members and friends who might read this: I want to post some nice pictures of him here. If you have some images of him please send them to this email. Your help is highly appreciated.

Oh no ....

On my inquery a former employer of Evan aka. Miguel confirmed the sad news I so desperately hoped not to be true. Now I am desperate.

In Memoriam

When I read the small note of his death it hit me like a stroke. I never knew him in person, I even don't know his real name, but I still miss him. According to a note in the blog of Belami found George Duroy he committed suicide on 28. April 2011. I still hope that this information is not true.

I don't care what he's done for a living. What troubles me is the fate of that person behind the porn actor and dancer with his problems that made him do this final step. I still can't believe it and I am so sad.
This unrealistic idea keeps bothering me that if we had met before I'd the chance to prevent him from throwing away his live. I really wish I had this chance. Suicide at 21 - I don't understand it.

I've setup this blog dedicated to Evan to inform the people of the live of this young man, his fate and his dramatic end. And it helps me to grief. The only thing I can do for him now.

Everyone, please feel free to write your thoughts on Evan to this blog. Please use the comment option.